Conscious sexuality

The perspectives shared on this page have come to me in what I perceive as a journey of conscious evolution as a being. The overarching values I live by are shared elsewhere on the brilliance.org website.

I recognize my experience of sexuality as a powerfully inspiring energy and as a source of connection and transformation for me. When I look around at many of the manifestations of sexuality in the North American culture and in certain cultures around the world, I perceive an approach to sexuality that I consider an unconscious one: one that I perceive to be based on fear of the power of sexual energy.

I illustrate this approach in the form of a straight-line continuum.

In North American society, nudity is not generally accepted and is limited to specific situations. Most gyms allow nudity only in single-sex areas. I consider that practice to occur based on the above model in order to keep interactions at the repression end of the continuum. Of course, this approach ignores the existence of gay and lesbian sexuality. The gym I go to primarily, which is the Toronto YMCA, has many gay individuals. So it is curious to me, that the preponderant practice is as I've described it. Heterosexuals must not go naked in the steam room, sauna, etc. with mixed genders.

The first time I saw a naked woman as a teenager, and at the age of 13, was at a stream where a bunch of my older brother's friends were taking a swim. When I saw her breasts my whole being was so shaken that my vision went blurry.

As a professional workshop facilitator, I have engaged in thousands of hours of experiential workshop training around relationship dynamics, sexuality, and communication. My letting go of fear, shame, and repression has been a life-long evolution.

Back to the above model, what I perceive is that certain cultures push towards the repression end of the spectrum out of fear that otherwise all hell will break loose, so-to-speak, in the form of licentious debauchery, sexual aggression, and sexual violence. The irony is that indeed it is a self-fulfilling prophesy. I recall a recent situation in Egypt, I believe, where there were demonstrations against the government. My impression is that Egyptian society is one that strongly pushes towards the repression end of the spectrum. As a result, self-responsibility is never learned. At those demonstrations, numerous women were groped by men nearby them. They were in a mob-type situation where no authority was there to keep the repression in place.

In North American society, there are the repressive aspects of sexuality on the one-hand and then what might be considered forms of licentious debauchery, sexual aggression, and sexual violence on the other. To me, the general night-club scene is moving towards the licentious debauchery description. Why? Well, alcohol is omni-present there. If I go to a night club, I don't drink. Generally though, alcohol is the medium there and it is a drug that lowers awareness and lowers inhibitions. I perceive it to be the unconscious way to get to sexual activity. It's also said to be a factor in some 50% of domestic violence and abuse.

We see in North America the ads with semi-naked people, generally but not exclusively women, designed to attract attention. Are these ads designed to foster an appreciation of aesthetic beauty? Perhaps. The obvious purpose, though is to sell products by using what attracts the human eye. And then there are the movies and TV shows that so often are filled with sexual aggression and violence. I find it a sad reflection on North American society that sexuality is so frequently depicted in association with agression and violence. I consider it to impact people who are not consciously reflecting on what they are consuming. That impact in my view promotes those associations and that gets played out in people's lives.

What I am working for is a conscious approach to sexuality. In my perspective, the above model is incomplete. I illustrate what I consider to be a conscious approach in the form of an open-type circle.

What I perceive is that in a repressive, fear-based culture, the repression, shame, and fear can readily switch to the licentious debauchery, sexual aggression, and sexual violence. These can just as readily revert to repression, shame, and fear. These extremes are really very close to each other. So they are juxtaposed in the circular diagram above. I label these in the unconscious realm.

Remote from these are conscious sexual awareness and expression, love, and intimacy. Why are these remote? Because they take practice. They take work. They take conscious intention. They also take vulnerability. Stepping out of one's comfort zone. At least that's my experience.

For my whole adult life since being a teenager, I have been consciously learning and practicing in this arena. It is rich, deeply meaningful, and fulfilling for me. I've been facilitating experiential workshops to support the skills, awareness, and knowledge in this arena since I was 22. For close to 10 years now, I've been doing so in the context of the dance form known as contact improvisation. I call these events Communicadance™, standing for dance and communication.

Contact improvisation has so many aspects that I love to experience. Often it's not a sexually imbued dance at all. It can be playful, energetic, meditative, acrobatic, and creative. It can ease gender barriers and can be practiced without the usual gender pairings. It's great exercise and can be practiced by those who consider themselves as dancers or non-dancers. It's practiced by those with various abilities and limitations.

Before continuing in the thread of contact improvisation, I want to say something more about a conscious approach to aesthetic beauty. It is clear that the beauty of youth transforms and in some eyes may fade. Yet there is a deep beauty that exists in each of us, young and old, whether a person fits a culturally imagined standard of beauty or not. I want to share the example of my mother. She passed away last year at the age of 93. In her last year, she told me she felt "disgusting." I felt compassion for her self-judging. I also knew that I could see how beautiful she is to me. I told her so. I wish to say, "May we all be blessed to recognize the beauty that never fades, that is truly present."

If you want to dance without any sexual intent, you can. In fact, you must. Simply be aware of any feelings you do have. Never impose them on another. In the events that I offer, if you want to explore sexual interaction, that is not taboo. It is delicate though. There needs to be clear mutual interest and intent. There needs to be awareness of the group and a willingness to communicate as needed so that all are honoured. In these events, as they're currently offered, genital stimulation and full nudity aren't allowed. Kissing and semi-nakedness are. These restrictions are for the purposes of physical safety and to honour the parameters of the venue. All that being said, do not expect this form of interaction. It is a freedom to which I ascribe.

More on this freedom... The purpose of Communicadance™ is not to be an alcohol-free and drug-free hook-up spot. Don't even come with that expectation. Be clear about your agreements, both spoken and unspoken expectations that may be present in your pre-existing relationships. Honour these. This space is both a safe space and one to explore the edges of your comfort zones. Be clear about your choices. Only go where you choose to go, no matter how eager your partner is. Only go where your partner also chooses to go. This safe space honours existing relationships, whether you come on your own or with a significant other.

This space is not one to come on the prowl. If you meet someone you are attracted to, don't expect any particular outcome. If you want to invite further contact beyond the event, access first your vulnerability and your innocence. Invite only from that place. That's how the other person can honour you and honour her or his own choice freely and happily. If you're invited, take your time. Feel it out. Find your groundedness and your centre. Get back to them if unsure.

It is a space to learn and grow in, to explore your vulnerability. Have clear mutual verbal consent before kissing, if kissing is a choice you both want to make. Practice the fundamentals of safe sex. Advise if you have a cold, a cold sore, or any form of sickness or disease. Also, perhaps most importantly, share what it means for you. That is the juice. These groundrules also apply if you wish to purposely have contact with breasts or genitals. Do so only as an honouring, not for the purpose or practice of sexual stimulation. That is an explicit restriction and you need to honour that.

For clarity and to avoid incorrect expectations, so far no intimate kissing or the forms of touch I've described have generally taken place at our events. Our purpose is to be in an innocent play like a lion cub. It is foremost a place to be in touch with yourself and to develop the skill of listening for who the other is. Find the vulnerability and sacred energy of your sexuality, whether or not you're even attracted to anyone in the room. It's part of your nature.

For me one of the most significant growth experiences in contact improv has been and continues to be in developing sensitivity to where my partner is while being in awareness of myself. This sensitivity and awareness is in physical, kinesthetic terms. It is also in emotions, intentions, and in the sense of each of our total selves as beings.

Contact improv is a dance of meeting in mutuality; discovering where our universes coincide and dancing in that realm. If I am attracted to my partner, it is profound for me to be with her as she wishes to be with me. Imposition falls into the bottom right of that circle diagram. Consciously meeting where we both are choosing to connect is where the brilliance of the dance fills us with all we are ready to embrace.